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Why my husband is a pain in the ass… June 16, 2006

Posted by hardcheese in Baby, Emotions, Family, Pregnancy, Random Rants.

I was in a good mood for most of today, and then while browsing the net I found a blog that seemed to be just about identical to almost everything I've been going through. The posts are all old – late 2004 into early 2005 – but it is interesting reading what someone else was thinking as they got to each of the little milestones. It's cool, because a lot of it is the same reaction I've had. The tough part is still being jealous of the moms who have significant others who are happy and giddy and excited right along with them. (found it here):

 "It's a huge relief and it's really exciting to see the nursery filling up with baby things. We still need quite a few bits and bobs (nappies, most importantly) but all of the big stuff has now been taken care of. I thought it would be much better to get it all done now while I still have the energy and inclination to shop, rather than fight through the Christmas crowds next month or wait until January when I'll be the size of a large sea mammal. Plus, it's been fun to get all giddy and say to each other "We're having a baby!" whilst playing with our new purchases."

Maybe I'm just having a pity party for myself again (wait, I AM doing that, no maybe about it!). But it just gets so damn hard sometimes. Here I am, reading through this set of archived posts, smiling along with some of the comments, thinking damn, that's just what I thought/felt/said. And then I hit the "it's been fun to get all giddy" part and I think I would LOVE to be giddy with B. Instead, I have to make sure I get all the baby items put away upstairs, or at the very least, out of the way or organized somewhat, so that I don't have to worry about him getting upset. And it makes me just want to burst into tears. I'm all welled up here just thinking about it again.

I wish I could talk to people about it, at least talk about it honestly. I try to down play it with my mom and other family, because there's only so much I can take of them berating B for his behavior, and they get upset like I've done something wrong, even though I know it's just the emotions. But when they want to get mad at him, I still feel like I need to defend him, and yet I'm still mad at him myself, so it's just really horrible and frustrating. My mom usually starts in on the whole "he needs to grow the hell up" thing. Which I agree with. But saying "I know" doesn't make her stop, and while I agree, I also understand that his world HAS been totally turned on its ass, and this is how he's reacting. Ugh.

Last night we went to the DMB concert and B got plenty drunk. Stupid drunk, emotional drunk, scowling drunk. Annoying drunk, as far as I was concerned. I hate having to babysit him. But it got pretty bad when he started with the "why does there have to be a baby in there" thing. And the "I still love you even though you're fat," which was actually his apology from "you're fat." I'm gonna skip that and go to my next thought. He embarassed the hell out of me. In public. Again. Some more. I'm not sure which is more embarassing, though – the things he says and does, or the fact that I let him do that. But I guess I feel trapped because if I make a big deal, it causes a scene, which encourages him and draws even more attention. He was actually nicer …

I decided to skip past that because as I was typing it hit me. I'm justifying what he says because it's nicer than the other, nastier things he says? Really? And I'm actually responding to his questions and comments, instead of punching him? I mean, I think I'm putting up with a lot more than I should, and using the "it's only a few more months" excuse to ignore it. I mean, why should I put up with it at all, for ANY amount of time? I don't deserve to feel like shit because he thinks I'm fat. And there is no such thing as "nicer" when the words are what they are here. If you love someone, why on earth would you treat them like that? Why would you be OKAY letting them feel like I feel right now? And why would you ever allow yourself to be the person who makes them feel that way? In this case, though, he's the ONLY person who treats me like that. His brother, hell, even his own father, are nicer toward me. His brother actually treats me like a queen, offering his seat, getting me a glass of water without even asking, those kind of things make me just want to smile and say thank you. Even his dad, with his comments about me having gained weight, at least says "it's temporary." Which, coming from him, is about as positive as it gets. But my husband, the one I adore more than anyone, the one who always loved me for who I am, is the one who treats me like crap. He doesn't give a shit about hurting me (ie squeezing my tit, or my belly, for that matter?), he won't get up to let me sit down, he's never opened doors for me, he won't walk slower to let me keep up, he gets irritated when I can't do things I used to be able to do. I mean, I can't even wash the damn dishes without getting a back ache because of the way I have to lean against the counter. But I don't need him to be a gentleman, that would just be a bonus. What I do need is for the man I love to buck up and at least be respectful enough to treat me properly. I don't need to be spoiled, but I do need to walk slower and sit down more often, and I need some help reaching the higher shelves. And I deserve to have those things without a tirade of "it's not MY fault you're too fat to do this or that."

(would have continuted it with the following):
… He was actually nicer last night than a lot of nights, because he wasn't just bitching about it, he was actually trying to put it in the context of "it's okay." Kind of. And his "why do you have to be pregnant" comments were more like half-assed attempts to continue the way he has been.


1. Talithia - May 16, 2008

My God I feel for you. I have only read this post but from what I read “He” is treating you and the baby in you like shit. He is the one who got you pregnant. He may be worried about $ and how he as the head of the house is going to handle that. I know my Husband was an ass about that. Once he holds the baby and realizes it was a human in there maybe he will get it. Untill then know that you need to forgive your Husband for being an ass for your sake and the babies. You do not need the stress and neither does “your” baby.
I know that the baby can fell the stress. After 3 kids you know when your belly gets tighter and the baby kicks like mad that he/she is under stress and so are you. Take care of you and your baby and don’t let him ruine this very beautiful time you will never get back. I would bet he will get better after the baby is here. And as far as the “Fat” breast feeding works well and it helps with your emotions and bonding with your little one. No bottles. The hormones you produce during nursing are calming. Something both you and the baby need if he does not open up to change. I hope I helped a little. Goog Luck. T

2. JIMMYRAMSEYSUCKS - September 22, 2008

Oh my goodness…Could this man be MY husnband living a double life. I hope this poor girl got out of the relationship. My husband was the same way and let me tell you after the baby comes it DOESN”T get any better. You just wind up becoming like a single parent caring for a baby and a HUSBAND. They will NEVER change baby or not. You just need to decide if you can live with feeling this way for the rest of your life.

3. rain - October 17, 2008

protect your baby, get out, i mean it.
i have been where you are. no they dont change & he will harm your childs mental state also. please I have experience in this. get out.
You could go to counseling or try joining a chuch that counsels but in the long run it takes alot out of you & harms the children. then what if you waste all this time & nothing changes?
please protect that baby when he trys to make exuses for the way he treats him or her please protect the baby .

4. putting up with boleshit - February 20, 2009

Yes you do they never stop I think it’s their own selfish way my husband is still like that and were have been together for about 8 years and he still treates me like that and sometimes I question if he love our kids or not. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I can’t. When my kids are out of the house I’m leaving my husband he wakes in the morning angry and goes to bed pissed and if I don’t give him some he is a complete gerk. I love him and tend to stay with because of my kids I trust god to give me the grace to stay with him tell the kids are out of the house. lol such as live my parents divorced when I was 2 years old and I never seen my mom tell I was about 6 thats the only reason I’m still with today because of my kids because, he is so mean to me and my kid not phyically but mentally and I’m so done with

5. Snowflake - November 24, 2012

Read The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Believe me, if you finish the book, you will know what to do.

6. K - December 26, 2012

I hope it got better, but I doubt it. I thought it would for me…and here it is 30 years later. Get out early.

7. Jenny - May 5, 2013

Thanks for writing about it. I too have a jerk for a husband, and the other’s are right when they say he won’t change. I’m going to have to read that book that was suggested.

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